


Drowning in Sorrow

by YaoiloverXD



Category: Bleach
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst but happy ending, Child Abuse, Karin and yuzu are not twins, Karin is the oldest, M/M, Multiple Personalities, Self-Harm, idk what to put for these tags, maybe a lemon, sooooooooooooooooo much angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-16
Updated: 2016-07-26
Packaged: 2018-04-26 15:54:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5010766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YaoiloverXD/pseuds/YaoiloverXD
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone knows that your loved ones will die one day, but Ichigo never thought that it would happen to his mom, nor did he think that his dad would turn on him and do a complete 180 personality. Will he be saved before he decides that life is not worth living anymore?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The day before

Chapter 1 The day before  
The day was August 11th, and it was the day before my whole life changed. It started out to be a weird day only to turn weirder and weirder as the day went on. It could have been a warning from god about my impending doom. At the time I thought nothing of it but now as I am at her funeral I think over what has been happening within the past week.   
The day started out weird like I has said, I was sleeping very late for me. I usually wake up at seven on school days and on the weekend about nine. My father also had days off on the weekend so most of the time he let me sleep instead of waking me up with one of his “loving fatherly kick” he would let me sleep while he too got some sleep.   
So when I slept until one in the afternoon, it was scary. So scary that Yuzu thought that I was dead. Funny now that I think about it, she thought that I was dead only for someone to show up dead the next day. She told me that dad had gone to work and that he even did his “loving fatherly kick” but I still did not wake up. She even tried to wake me several times. She told me that I was even breathing very shallow. To make sure that I was not indeed dead she started to lift my arm up and down really fast, to try and get a reaction out of me, or even to see if it would wake me up. At least that once she stopped doing that I only moved my hand a little bit. She was relived to find that I was in fact alive and not dead.   
Other weird things that happened was that my hair stays in it usual spikes and get even spikier in the morning, but today it was spiky but at the same time there where flat patching in it, to the point that it looked like I had a pair of mini pigtails in my hair. I decided to shower to get my hair back to normal when brushing did not work.   
I remember talking to Yuzu. We were talking about things that we talked about on a normal day. She told me that lunch was done and that dad left the chores we had to do before our mom got home. He and our mom got sick of telling us a bunch of stuff only for us to forget about them ten minutes later and to get into trouble with our mom.   
We loved her but when she got drunk she turned mean. It got to the point that our dad got us both locks for our rooms. It was only on Mondays that she would drink now, before she would drink three to four times a week. Our father told her that if she wanted to see Karin more often then she was going to have to bring down how much she drank.   
Karin was my half sister and she is a year older then me, making her 16 going on 17. She is going to be 17 in September. She was a good sister, but her father from a one night stand, has her living with him most of the time. Both me and Yuzu could tell that she love Karin more then the both of us. We tired not to show it but it really bothered us a lot.   
Getting back to that day, I told Yuzu that I was not hungry. She said that she was worried because I hardly eat anymore. She asked if I was OK and I told her yes. I also told her that I was eating just fine. I remember the conversation that happened next down to a T.   
“I will let it go for now but... I really am going to tell dad if you do not stop cutting yourself.” She had said this as she glared at my wrist. I knew that I should have stopped but I was stressed.   
Our mom had been getting more and more angry ever time she got drunk. It was stressing and scary. She always told me that I was nothing and that I failed when it come to everything I did. That everything i did was never better or as good as what my sisters had done. I always knew that she did not mean what she said. I knew that it was the booze talking for her. I knew that she loved me and that she never thought that I was nothing. I knew all these things but that did not mean that I did not get stressed by her saying all of these things.   
After she said that I had pulled my green hoodie sleeve down trying to hide the evidence from her prying eyes. It felt like she was trying to see into my very soul.   
She then told me how she knew that I was stressed about our mom drinking but she did not even get a fraction of the negative attention that I did. I never told anyone about it all. I would feel like I was betraying her. I even knew why she drank most of the time. Karin does not come over very often, and this upsets her.   
I then told her that it was better then if I bit my hands, then last time I did was when we went on a vacation and she got drunk, she ended up pushing Yuzu. Karin finally got to she what we went through every week. I did not want to wish it on her but I feel like she needed to know what was going on. Our mom start on one of her rants and then went to Karin and started to ask her why she did not love her enough to even spend more time with her. I was starting to shake I was pissed. I was starting to lose my temper and I did not want to hit my mom. So I bit my hand as hard as I could. I bit it to the point I was bleeding and that it was a nasty bruise for three weeks.   
I told her that I would try but with Shiro I never knew what to do. I did not want to hurt my mom and if I got passed a certain point in anger I would not be in control of my body anymore. Instead it would be Shiro. I did not want him to hurt my mom so I decided to cut and let loose some of the stress and anger. It helped.   
Even if it helped me I knew that it stressed her, and I did not want to add another thing to her list of things that stressed her. There was already our mom's drinking, and our sister never coming over and being happy. Now there was Shiro and me on that list too. I knew that I killed her inside when I cut so I try to not show her. I have done it a lot but she only knows of two times.   
I decided that we had better get our chores done before our mom got home for her job. I knew that it was going to take time to clean since our mom was very particular about the way the house had to be cleaned.   
We had finished our chores right in time for our mom to get home. We greeted her and were surprised that she was not drunker then she was at the moment. Usually on Monday's she would have a couple beers and about a pint of whiskey in her system. It was weird but this did happen sometimes and she would sometimes hide the alcohol and drink it through the night. We did not want this to happen and end up being in the cross-fire so we when into our rooms and played on our computers for the rest of the night. At least that is what Yuzu did.   
When I heard lot snoring I knew that our mom was awake so I went out into the living room to see how our dad was doing. He said that she was asleep. The weird thing that happened was that she was having intelligent conversations with our dad.   
The only thing that made me sure that she loved us even when she was drunk was that she never hit us. No matter what.   
We were happy that she went to sleep earlier then normal, we thought nothing of this at the time. I think it was because it was a break from the usual trying Monday nights.   
Little did we all know was that this was the last time we would see her alive.


	2. Drowning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is shiro talking { }  
> This is ichigo talking to shiro [ ]  
> sorry I did not know that all of my bolded text was taken out. I am fixing it now sorry for the confusion

Chapter 2 Drowning  
I remember the next morning as well. I woke up to hear that my mom was not snoring anymore. In fact the only thing that I heard was my dad yelling things that I could not make out. I just heard him yelling. I thought that maybe they had gotten into a fight again.  
I went out of my room and down stairs to see that my dad was not yelling at my mom for drinking like he sometimes does. He was yelling at my mom to wake up. I knew something was wrong but I tried not to freak out. I knew that I was going to have to stay level headed about this, because as I looked at my dad I could see that he was freaking out and not helping anything.  
I walked closer and I saw that he was pounding on her chest, probably to wake her up matched with the fact that she started to make wheezing sounds.  
I tried to get him to calm down. I knew that he was not going to be able to handle taking care of her in fear that he might just loss her in his hands.  
I remember telling him to stop pounding on her chest and to call an ambulance. I told him that pounding on her chest was not going to help, it was probably just making it worse. I told him that he was in to much emotional distress to take on her medical care. I knew that if I did not tell him the last part he would start to protest. It was not that I did not mistrust my dad's skill as a doctor, it was that I did not want him to end up having her die in his hands when he was working on her.  
As my dad was waiting for the ambulance my mom stop wheezing. I remember my dad telling me to check to make sure that she was still breathing. I place a finger under her nose and I thought that she was still breathing. It would have been hard for me to tell because my hands were shaking so much.  
I did not realize this at the time, but now that I that I am here at her funeral thinking this over I realized that my hands were shaking. I was really scared. I just did not know what to do. I knew that I was not going to be able to help my father out, but I was trying as hard as I could to try and get him to calm down. It was to the point that I had to pretend that this was not affecting me, but it was so scary. The whole time I felt like I was going to cry.  
I remember telling him that she was still breathing. I also remember him telling me that we both should get dressed before the ambulance got here and the worker saw us both in our underwear. The reason that my dad was still in his underwear was because he was going to wake up my mom so she could get ready to get to work, but when he got down there he realize that she was breathing funny so he tried to get her up but she would just not get up. He tried for about ten minutes before I had gotten down there.  
After about fifteen minutes with ended up feeling like four hours they finally got to our house. They brought in a stretcher and a portable EKG inside with them.  
They got everything in that they needed to take her vitals so they could see what needed to be done. I remember having to run upstairs as fast as I could to get my phone so they could set up the EKG. I got my phone and ran back down stairs and turned on a flashlight app. As soon as I did they took the stickers that is used to hook these things up and turned on the machine. It was then that everything happy ended in my life.  
The machine show a constant flat line. She had died. I remember what happened right after with clear details.  
My dad fell on the floor crying. I was trying to stay together, but I was very hard. I was a momma's boy as everyone called me, but I did not care about what they said. I still loved her and I admit it, I really am a momma's boy.  
My dad started to get hysterical after a little bit. He started to cry and asked for them to revive her but only to be told that it was impossible. To be told that she had been gone for a long time. This did not help my dad at all, in fact it only made it worse. He started to yell at them that they at least had to try and that she was just breathing very loudly on the phone when he called 911.  
All of the noise had woke Yuzu and she saw the EKG staying on a flat line along with the fact that our dad was crying on the ground hysterically. I knew that I was going to have to stay strong for her. I cleaned my tears and told her as calmly as I could that our mom had died. It was hard to have to tell her this but I knew that it was better it coming from me then from someone else that was in our house at the moment.  
She was crying because our mom had died. I knew that it was hard for her. I pulled her into a hug and cry silent tears. I did not want to worry her.  
I knew that I had to stop the tears that I was crying. I knew that I was going to have to be strong for both her and dad. After all I had killed our mom. I am the reason that they could not get married. After all they had to take me to my appointments to help with Shiro, they had finally decided a set date and it was next month. Now because I had forced our dad to take his attention away from our mom she was dead. Then there was the fact that Yuzu will not grow up the rest of her teenage years with a mom. She was only 13. She needs a mom in her life but I took that chance away from her.  
I remember all of what happened next with details in conversions.  
“This is all my fault.” I said out loud. I had not meant to but it happened. This was around the time that our dad joined us in our little hug circle.  
“Ichigo it is not your fault at all.” He had said this but it did not feel genuine. It felt like he said it for the fact that Yuzu was in our little hug circle, more then anything else.  
{That's right this is all your fault Ichigo. You know... I could help you, but for a price of course. I am doing this out of the kindness of my soul. I am doing this ever for a murder. You should consider yourself lucky that I like you, well sort of anyway.}  
[Please just leave me alone. I know that this is all my fault, I know that I am a murder but I just want a little bit of peace.]  
I decided that I could help with some of the hurt but telling them I was sorry.  
“Yuzu I am sorry that I kill your only mother, and dad I am sorry that I killed your wife before you got to marry her next month.” when I had said this we had to move to another room, which happened to be my room, because they were moving my mom's body out of the house.  
My dad then start to say that I should stop blaming myself and that it was his fault because he should of called sooner. Again when he said it something was off. He did not feel like the dad that I grew up with. He might have been annoying but I loved him none the least. This person just felt off. I did not know what but it just felt like that.  
{The reason that he sound off is because he is not being genuine. He is only being nice and doing it for the fact that Yuzu is there. What do you expect, she looks just like you mom. So he does not want to upset her.}  
[I know that. You don't need to tell me that.]  
{I knew how you can really help you mom. I know right now you are thinking about killing yourself, but do you really think you should die for killing your own mom?}  
[What is it I can do to help, and you were right. I think that I should have to suffer. If I die it would be of no help, and I need to suffer for taking everything away from my family.]  
{I will tell you want you can do later, when things have calmed down a little and the strangers are out of the house.}  
[Why can't I do it right now?]  
{You don't want to get caught and hurt your poor little sister even more then she already has by you killing her mother. Now do you?}  
[No, but why would it hurt her even more then she is already hurting?]  
{Because you are going to be breaking a promise, and if one of those stranger catch you cutting they will take you away from her, and I will be taken away. Which would mean that you would have no one to help you, while you sit in a room and they watch you twenty four seven, is that what you want?}  
[No I don't want that to happen. Please I will do what ever you say will help. I don't want to lose you too. I know that you will at least be there to put up with me. So I will do whatever it is.]  
{First you have to stop taking that medicine that they told you to take. Next you are going to cut yourself with a razor blade and not just that spare piece of broken glass that you found. That will help her rest in peace. You have to do this for as long as I say. Do you understand?}  
[Yes Shiro. I said that I was willing to do anything to help my mom and to make sure I do not have to go to that horrid place you were talking about.]  
{Good, now you need to pay attention to your family and find an opening for this to happen.}  
I remember that that was just what I did. I went looking for my family to see where they were and if the stranger were still in the house. Lucky they were. I also had found Yuzu and my dad in the living room watching TV, probably to forget their troubles if it was for only a moment.  
I went back up to my room, along the way I stop in the bathroom and took one of my mom's old razors and dismembered it. I took about four or five blade out of the holder, and put on my dresser and put the rest in a box that held old birthday card and other things that were small and needed a place to be held.  
I locked my door and then went over to the dresser and made a small shallow cut on my of my veins. As I cut I felt a jolt of electricity go up my spine that made me shiver with pleasure. I do not know why it did but it did.  
After I put the razor down I heard Shiro start to talk to me.  
{I guess that that is fine for now, remember to do this once a week. I do not want you to do this more then once a week because you might lose too much blood and then have to go to the hospital and then from there they would put you in that place I told you about.}  
[Ok. I have to stop the bleeding with a tissue so it does not get on my white carpets. Also thank you for telling me a way to help my mom rest in peace even if I did kill her.]  
{That is what here for, king.}  
After that conversion I went over my bed side table where the tissues laid. I grabbed a couple and cleaned up the blood. I went back to the bathroom and got a band-aid for the small wound, while I threw the tissues in the trashcan. If anyone asked I was going to tell them that I had a nose bleed. After I finished I went to check on my dad. I saw him on the phone crying, telling everyone that my mom had died. After he finished making all the calls I saw him get up and go into his room to, what I could only assume, cry.  
After I was sure both him and Yuzu were in there rooms, I followed in their steps and went into my room and fell onto my bed where I grabbed all of my blankets and cuddled with Kon, and cried myself to sleep.


	3. Change

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the long wait for this story I have to be in a certain mood in order to write it

Chapter 3 Change  
Shiro talking{ }  
Ichigo talking to Shiro [ ]  
I barely remember the next few days that led up to today. All I remember is calling our relatives and telling them about what had happened, listening to how sad they were, and being shut out. The only one who was welcome with open arms was Yuzu. Karin was not allowed to come to the small local family grieving party that we had, she was not even allowed to come to our mother's funeral. It was upsetting that I was not allowed to see my sister but at the same time I did not want her to have to see her mom dead in a box. It was an open casket funeral. It makes me sick to my stomach to think of the tastelessness of it all to have her death put in the paper even though everyone she knew was contacted. People started to show up that I did not know, nor did I think that dad knew who they were either. Another thing that upset me was when someone who I was related to showed up in a colorful outfit and tried to steal all of the attention in the room. It was a funeral of you niece the least she could have done is sit down and not drag the attention away from my mom.  
I got so upset at seeing my mom just laying there dead I ended up chocking on a mint and it got stuck. Eventually I threw it up but that was a scary experience. The only person who cared that I was chocking to death was the funeral director.  
I found out new things at that party though, turns out that our mom and dad never got married. Which means that everything was not going to go to our dad, but to our oldest sister, but she is not 18 so she is not aloud to have any of the inheritance, it all goes to her father to keep it “safe” for her. That was not even the worse of them not being married, my mother's family is very traditional, so to them Yuzu and me might was well have been picked up off the street one day. My mom had gotten married to Karin's dad so she was a “real” relative of theirs. No matter what my family did it was like we were invisible. My dad had tried to help setup the funeral for my mom and he was just ignored. He tired to tell them that she was not religious but they did not listen and went with a religious ceremony. They did not ask if me and my sister were okay, they just went to all the others in their family and ignored us. They also glared at us when the people who ran the funeral home brought in all the flowers and realized that we did not buy any, not like we could we were kind of poor, and the flowers are expensive.  
At least they let my dad put the song that my mom first sang for my dad on their first date. I admit that I cried as they played it. They put the list of songs on replay so I am listening to it yet again. Even though this is the third time I have heard it I still cry.  
{ you know you don't deserve to cry. After all you are the one who killed her.}  
[I know but I can't help it. I just love and miss her so much]  
{I don't think you do king. If you did, why did you have your dad stop pounding on her chest to keep her breathing. Don't even tell me that it would not help your dad to not be able to calm down we both know that is a bunch of bullshit. You could have called the ambulance while your father pounded on her chest to keep her alive. Now I think that when we get home you know what you have to do to help your mom rest easier, but this time you need to cut more because you had the audacity to cry at her funeral when you are the one who killed her in the first place.}  
[You are right Shiro, thank you. I don't know what I would do without you.]  
I started to get a sick feeling to my stomach, I didn't know if it was from guilt, crying to much, or something else. As I was thinking about this Yuzu and my dad came over to me.  
“Ichigo, you and Yuzu can leave when your grandfather is here.” he tells me. This is the grandfather on my dad's side of the family, he did not like my mom so he was only going to be here for a little bit and then he was going to leave with me and Yuzu.  
“Okay dad, are you sure you are going to be okay here by yourself for the next three hours?” I asked him, because if he was not I would stay here even if my stomach was hurting.  
“Yes I am sure I will be fine. Just watch Yuzu, make sure that she is okay.” He said with little worry of how I felt.  
“Don't worry dad.” I told him.  
{King you shouldn't feel bad that your father does not care about you or how you feel. It was your fault. He knows it, you know it, so stop feeling pity for yourself.}  
[I know but I just can't help it.]  
{You better start because if you don't you dad is not going to put up with your crying and self pity much longer.}  
[I know that Shiro, I am trying but I will try even harder now.]  
{Good to hear King.}  
[… Hey Shiro, do you hate me too?]  
{Don't worry king I will never hate you, no matter what. I will always be there to protect you from everyone and even yourself.}  
[Thank you Shiro.]  
That was when I saw my grandfather from across the room. He had on a suit and tie. Even though that is what you would think everyone would be wearing, most people were not. They were wearing casual clothes, at least that went for the majority of the people there.  
I went over to Yuzu to tell her to get ready. She got here stuff and waited for our grandfather to say to go to his car. Once he said this we got into his car and went off to our house.  
…

When we finally got to our house Yuzu went straight to her room to find something that would distract her from the funeral, while I got our grandfather a cup of tea. After he finished his tea he left. So I went up to my room started to cut my wrists. Nothing that would kill me but something to take the pain away from my soul.  
I cut on both of my wrists a couple of times. I just sat there and left them bleed for a little bit. After I let them bleed a little bit I wrapped my wrists so they could heal and so no one would notice the new cuts. I just sat in my room, I stared at the wall for a little while but I decided that it would be a good idea to try and distract myself until my dad called and/or came home.  
I was in the middle of an anime when our father called, I checked the time on my laptop and saw that it was five. He told me that he would pick us up dinner after the funeral had fully ended. He said that he wanted to know how Yuzu was doing and to tell her that he was going to be back around nine.  
Soon nine came and went. Yuzu and I were waiting for him to come home with dinner because there was only enough food left for Yuzu to eat. Maybe he planned it that way maybe he didn't I don't know. All I do know is that I had to calm Yuzu down. She was half hysterical that he was half an hour late. I told her that he was probably talking to some old friends because he probably needed someone to talk to. She seemed to calm down after I told her that. I also told her to eat and that I was not hungry anyways. She did as I told her and went in her room to probably distract her mind again and also to get some sleep.  
By the time midnight came I was starting to worry. I decided that calling him would be the best idea. I waited for the call to try and go through but it went straight to voice mail. I waited for another hour and decided to try and call again but he did not pick up. I tried to text him to see if he might respond, but that went the same way as calling him did. By this time I was starting to hyperventilate thinking that the worst had happened.  
{King calm down your dad is perfectly fine. He is probably with other family members or friends talking to them and trying to get his mind off the fact that his son killed his wife.}  
[If you say so Shiro. Thanks but I will still stay up until he comes home.]  
{Do what you want king. I am going to sleep now so leave me alone. Goodnight.}  
[goodnight.]  
After I was done talking to Shiro I decided that I would finish up my summer homework that I had left to do because my first day of school was tomorrow.  
…

By the time that I had finished my summer homework it was already three in the morning. I was about to try and call my father yet again, when I heard the front door slam open. I went out of my room to try and ask my father if he was okay, when I saw that he was drunk off of his ass.  
“Ichigo get your murder ass over here right now.” my father slurred while yelling.  
I did not want Yuzu to wake up with all of this yelling so I practically ran over to him so he did not yell anymore and scare Yuzu.  
Yes dad. What is it?” I said trying not to stutter as best as I could.  
He then walked into my personal space and punched me in my stomach as hard as he could. I ended up bending over on reflex.  
“Stand up straight.” He yelled yet again.  
I stood as straight as I could, I did not want to give him anymore of a reason to be able to yell. As soon as I stood straight he kicked me into the nearest wall. He was soon quick, it was surprising. Even when he was piss-ass drunk he could move that fast. That made him scary, even more then I ever thought that he was.  
He walked over to stand over my fallen body.  
“You ungrateful son of a bitch. All your mother and I did was love you and you kill her. You stopped me from treating her. You killed her. Did you do it because you hated her, or was it me that you hate?” He asked. I knew not to answer I knew it would make it worse, and after every sentence a punch followed.  
There was nothing I could say because I did kill her, and even if I did not hate either of them she was still dead and it was my fault. It amazes me the kindness that he has for me, he is letting he get off with just a beating and not calling the police on me. The least I could I sit here and let him punish me as he sees fit. I did murder my own mother after all.  
“You better not tell anyone about this. I don't want anyone to try and give pity to a murder.” He said as he started to head upstairs.  
By the time he was finished giving me my punishment I had a few broken ribs and a lot of bruises all over me. I used to get into a lot of fights so I know what a broken rib feels like. I also have cover up from those days. I used to use it not to worry my family but now it was so that no one know about the bruises and cuts.  
I pick myself up and walk up the stairs with difficulty. As soon as I closed my door I rapped my ribs with old supplies that I had hid in my room. After I was finished I laid down in my bed. After all I had a big day tomorrow, I had my first day of school tomorrow. I could already feel a ball of dread that felt as heavy as lead in my stomach.


	4. Why

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The school that I am going to describe in this story is based on the one that I went to before I had to move. This school is in America. I did not want to write about what little I knew about Japanese schools and end up getting things wrong. Anyway I hope that you like this chapter.

Shiro talking {}  
Ichigo talking to Shiro []  
Shiro talking in Ichigo's body ()  
Chapter 4 why  
At seven in the morning I woke up from the alarm I had set from the day before. First thing I did was rush to the bathroom and took a quick shower. After I was done I carefully dried off, and rapped my ribs with the bandages that I used for them last night. I think took the cover up that I hid in the bathroom and put it over the scabbed up cuts on my arms, I also did this with the scars and the bruises that I got last night. I then put a towel around my waist and walked quickly to my room to get dressed for the day. I put on a long sleeved shirt and skinny jeans. If you are wondering why I put cover up on my arms even though I was wearing long sleeves, it was because you always hear about the people who get caught cutting because their sleeve was pulled up just a little bit. I was not going to be found out, plus I did not want anyone to ask about the bruises, and if people asked why I was wearing such warm clothes I could say that I have been cold a lot lately or just that I was depressed. I would have to tell people the second one first after all my mom just died.   
I know that there are going to be a lot of people asking what happened to her so I am going to pretend that I am okay with talking about it and that I did not kill her. I had to be strong now, I was always a cry baby but now I will not let my self cry. I am not aloud to anymore, why should someone who killed their own mother be aloud to cry tears of self pity. I had to put up a facade of a strong, almost emotionless person. The only emotion I will allow myself to show is anger.  
{That is what I like to hear king. I have your back if your plan does not work and you do start to cry. I will handle your friends but I can't guarantee that they will still be your friends afterwords.}  
[Thank you Shiro. You really are kind in your own way. I really appreciate that you are going to be there for me even though she was technically your mother too, and I ended up killing her.]  
{If I am not there for you then who is? Besides I don't know what you mean, I am not nice.}  
Is what he said you at the last part I was 100% sure that he was blushing and pouting at the same time. He really is just trying to help me even if it is in a twisted way. I guess that you have to look out for each other when you are one of three personalities, you at least learn to care for each other.  
{Awe how cute, king cares for me and Zan-Zan}  
[Why were you reading my thoughts?]  
{Because I can king. I would not do it if it was not for there being nothing for me to do. I literally have no other business to mind other then yours. I can do nothing more than read your thoughts, look through your eyes, and look at the sky. Also before you even ask I can't play with Zan-Zan because he refuses to do so. He is being mean to me kingy.}  
I could practical see the pout on his face. He was also whining at the last part.  
[I am sorry but I really can't help you, I have not control over Zan-Zan nor for you. Also you can look through my eyes again I am done dressing, and am heading down stairs.]  
Me and Shiro had a deal about not looking through my eyes when I was in the shower or getting dressed.   
{Good, I was getting so bored looking at the raining sky. You know if this keeps up it is going to flood in here.}  
[Yes I know. You tell me this every time I get depressed or sad.]  
What happens in my head is where Zan-Zan and Shiro live is a sideways city that is controlled by my emotions that I feel.  
As I head down the stairs I heard Yuzu call to me.   
“Big brother, Do you know what is wrong with dad he is still upstairs and is not coming down when I call him for breakfast.” When Yuzu started to talk about our father I froze and flinched, but it was not enough to be noticeable.   
“No. Sorry Yuzu. I am sure that he just spend to long out with the family talking about our mom. I would stay longer but I have to head to school now or I will be late.” I said as I started towards the door. I did not look her in the eye the whole time. I hated lieing to her but I did not want here to feel pity for me when she does not know the whole story.   
“Okay. I will see you later brother.” She said as I closed the door. I did not want her to ask me anymore questions and I did not want her to think of anything else to say. The one thing that I said that was true was that I had to head to school now or I was going to be late.   
As I walked up to the school gate I saw a lot of students staring at me, some were whispering and other pointed, but all stared.  
I did the first thing that I thought would get them to stop staring, I glared at all of them. This was the first time in my life that I have done this but I seemed to be working. I decided to add this to my facade.   
I went right to class and avoided all of my friends. I did not wait for any of them like we usually did at the beginning of every year before hand. It was a good thing that I was in my first year of high school. I could say that I felt we were all to old for that now. I looked around the classroom looking for the seat that name on it that also held my agenda that the school gave every student. It was everything in this school. It was the only way you could got to the bathroom.   
I finally found my seat and it was in the back next to a window. Soon the class started to fill up and people were looking at me but did not even come near me other then to check for their names in the seat in front of me and the one next to me. Most did not even give me a second glance but the ones that did got a look the screamed 'don't fucking look at me'.   
It worked for everyone expect on person my childhood friend. He kept looking at me and I half wanted to run away and half wanted to drop my act. This was not good. Looking at him I could tell that he was gorgeous. What happened to him over the break? He had his usual and natural blue hair cut short, three pieces fell into his face, he is also taller than me. He was also muscular but not overly so, it was perfect balanced.   
{Hey kingy, your starting to drool. I mean he is good looking but come on have you even looked around, everyone is staring at you.}  
[Whatever Shiro. They are probably just jealous that he is coming over to the 'gloomy' kid in the class. Besides I don't even find him attractive.]  
{Okay whatever you say king, but just so ya know, he is the only person that I am ever going to approve of.}  
[What are you talking about Shiro?]  
{Never mind. Remind me why god that I have such an oblivious king.}  
After he said that he started on a rant about how that if he took over that all of our problems would be solved.   
I looked up once more after I was done talking to Shiro, I saw that everyone was either looking at either me or Grimmjow. It was annoying, don't they have business of their own to mind. Shiro at least had an excuse but these people were to nosy for their own good.  
I don't even really understand why they were looking at me but I differently could understand why they would be looking at Grimmjow. I mean just last year Grimmjow was a geek in almost every sense of the word, the only thing that was not geek like was that he was amazing at fighting.   
“Hey Ichi. Are you okay?” I looked up to see Grimmjow staring at me.  
[Shiro what should I do?]  
{Let me talk to him king.}  
[Okay, thank you Shiro.]  
(“Hey if it isn't Grimmjow. Oh by the way stop calling me Ichi or I will call you Grimm-kitty, Grimm-kitty.”) Shiro said. An easy way to tell he was in control is that my eyes turn gold.  
“Oh it's you. What do you want Shiro? Let Ichi talk for himself.” Grimmjow said a little bit pissed that he was talking to the wrong person. He was also talking in a whisper so no one could hear what their conversation was about.   
(“Oh, Ichigo does not want to talk to anyone right now, Grimm-kitty. Also before you ask, no I have not been hurting him again. If you want to know come over to the house after school.”) Shiro said. If you were paying attention you could hear a little bit of a pleading tone in his voice.  
“Yeah, okay. Just tell Ichigo that I am coming over. Will Ms. Kurosaki be there when we get there?”  
(“You will just have to see for yourself. Bye bye Grimm-kitty.”) Shiro said as he let me take over once again.  
“Okay, I am going to find my seat, I will talk to you at the end of the school day.” Grimmjow said as he started to leave.  
“Ah... yeah sure see you then.” I said as he started to walk away, I faked a smile as well just in case he turned around.  
The rest of the day just flies by. So before I know it, it was time to go home. Well shit.


	5. Stupid

Shiro talking {}  
Ichigo talk to Shiro []  
Chapter 5 Stupid  
I packed at the things that I had into my school bag, I was taking as much time as possible. Good thing was that even though it was the first day of school I still had homework. If all else fails I can always tell Grimmjow that I had homework that I had to get done by the next day, the truth was that all of the homework I had was not due until a week from now. The homework was like something you would give to a second grader, it was the ever present 'what did you do for summer, please explain in detail.' I mean do they really think that we are stupid. My mom used to call me her little genius, but now I don't believe it for a second. All I do is mess up, I killed my own mother, I can't keep my sisters from crying, and I can't even pull off a mask of indifference. I really am just a terrible person.  
Lost in my thoughts my body moved on it's own, probably from Shiro, and had made it's way out the doors to the parking lot, which is where Grimmjow was waiting.  
[I really don't want to talk to Grimmjow. Why, oh why did I have to come to school today, or you know even wake up?]  
{Stop your whining king. I know that you do not want to talk to Grimmjow and that you don't want him to see that your mom is gone, but you need to. This will probably help, and believe it or not I do love you no matter how I act. You know tough love and all that.}  
[Thanks Shiro. I hate to have to tell him that his mom in everything but blood is dead. I Just want the world to leave me alone.]  
{Sorry king but you know that the world just loves to pick on you.}  
[Yeah yeah, whatever. I just want Grimmjow to talk to me and get it over with. Especially since life hates me enough to make me have to talk to him in the first place.]  
{Well king you better hurry, he sees you and he does not look happy.}  
[Your right about that.]  
normal pov  
Ichigo jogged the rest of the way over to Grimmjow knowing that the other boy did not like to wait for anyone.   
Once Grimmjow saw Ichigo starting to jog over to him he picked up his bag so once Ichigo got over to him they could just keep walking. Ichigo came up to Grimmjow with a look of worry clear on his face. Grimmjow wanted to know what was affecting his childhood friend.  
Mean while was worrying about a mix of things, one of which was would his father be there and if he was would he be hurting Yuzu, and possibly him in front of Grimmjow. Ichigo did not want Grimmjow to see him in such a weak state. It would take away all of Ichigo's pride, that Ichigo knew he would never be able to recover it. Another was how was Grimmjow going to act after he found out that his adopted mother was dead. How would Grimmjow react to the fact that he had killed their mother. Would he do the same as his father and beat the shit out of him or would he spread it around the school and wait for everyone else to beat the shit out of him. Ichigo knew that no matter what after today they would no longer have a friendship, but that was for the best wasn't it? After all he could do nothing right and everyone that got close to him ended up getting hurt. After all no one needs a murder in there life, always looking over their shoulder and wondering if they were going to be killed next.   
A realization came to Ichigo, so what if the beating hurt that his father had given him, he deserved them and everything that happened to him from this moment in time.  
At this moment in time Shiro heard those thought and felt dread settle in his stomach, this certainly was not the path that he was trying to lead Ichigo onto. All he wanted was for Ichigo not to die but Shiro knew that it was only a matter of time before he was dead on the inside. There was only one other person that could help but Shiro was afraid of what they would do once Ichigo said his piece. {I will do anything for my King.}  
Ichigo's pov  
I knew one thing that I had to do drive away all of my old friends. It did not matter how sad this was going to make me. It had to happen. It was the best for everyone that he be alone, he just felt bad for Shiro and Zan-Zan for being stuck with him for the rest of his life. Plus it did not matter if they ever found out they would abandon him anyways, they won't care what happens to a murder. I don't even what to tell Grimmjow but I killed his mother figure. He should be allowed to kill me but for a murder like me death is just to good for me. I deserve to be made to live with the guilt for the rest of my life.  
Before I had even realized it we were at my house, I hate being to lost in my thoughts. I open the door and shrink back a little at the sight of the broken mirror that was in the hallway, it must have been broken last night, probably from the door slamming shut so hard.   
“Come on Grimmjow, lets go to my room.” I said begging that when we first entered he did not ask where my mom was. I just want to savor the last little bit of our friendship.   
Lucky for me he did not, and for that I was very thankful. I did not want to tell him until we were upstairs and we were both sitting down. He probably thinks that she was still at work or working on a project at a friends house. Before my mom died she would sometimes go over to some of her friends houses to make projects for either your house or for other people.  
Just thinking about her makes me want to grab my razor blade and shred my arms into unrecognizable pieces of meat hanging off my bones. I can't do that because I would bleed out then I would die and I don't deserve death, so I will settle for cutting until I get dizzy.  
Me and Grimmjow walked up the stairs and went into my room. When we opened the door you could see a little bit of blood on the floor, probably from last night.   
'Shit I forgot to clean the floor last night. I hope he did not notice the blood.'  
But apparently my luck had run out on me, I knew this as soon as he turned to look at me as quickly as he could. Grimmjow knew that back in middle school I had gotten into fights and gotten beat up pretty bad, but every single time they were at least twice as bad as me. Grimmjow probably figured out that something was wrong because while the school was huge no one had shown up to school bruised.   
“Ichigo what happened?” He asked as he pulled my shirt over my head. Apparently I did not put on the waterproof cover up and I had sweat it all off.  
Grimmjow's pov  
I knew that Ichigo was acting strange but this takes the cake. He was skin and bones, was covered in purple bruises, it looked like his ribs were rapped, and when I saw his arms I wanted to cry and scream. There were a lot of scars and a lot of them did not even look three months old and there were a bunch that looked almost brand new and there were ones that looked like they were ready to bleed at any given moment, there were a few that were indeed bleeding. I was looking at the cuts and soon came to the realization that I was crying. Why would he suddenly do this.  
“Ichigo what is going on? You look like you are on death's door. You started to cut again. Why? Please answer me.” I said in a begging tone. I just wanted to know what was going threw his head, was it Shiro or was it something else.  
I looked at him only for him to turn his eyes away every time I looked into his eyes to try and get an answer from him. The weird thing was that he looked confused but busy too. Then it hit me, he thought that I hated him and was talking to Shiro. Poor Ichigo he did not know that I could never hate him, no matter what. I love him way to much. Please Ichigo I just want to know what was happening and what was wrong. I know that he has only a little bit of confidence. He might be able to fool others into thinking that he was okay but he could never deceive one of the people that truly loves him, me.


	6. AN

Hi everyone I just wanted to tell you that I am not going to abandon this story I am rewriting it. It is taking me so long because I an never well for very long and most of the time when I am sick my head not clear enough to try and write and for that I am sorry. This story will be getting new chapters as soon as I am fished with the re write.  
~YaoiloverXD


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